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Capricious Cratchets of Jesting Jocundity

Disorder in the Court
Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. === Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. === Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. === Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. ...
Hospital Charts
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constan...
Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one sti...
ONLY IN AMERICA
1. ONLY IN AMERICA can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. ONLY IN AMERICA are there handicap parking place in front of a skating rink. 3. ONLY IN AMERICA do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can b...
Angry Passenger
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this ...
Tech Support
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but ther...
The Following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made wi...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
VICE PRESIDENT GORE I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them. GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say...
THE THINGS KIDS SAY...HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to...
Recent comments from a Kids' Poll
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag o...
WE ARE NOT THE LOST GENERATION
If you were born between 1967 and 1977 (give or take a year or two), you will certainly enjoy this as much as I did. Don't skip a line, read this when you have time to take it all in. I am a child of the 70's and 80's. That is what I prefer to be called. The 90's can do without me. Grunge is...
Useless Info
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced create the energy of an atomic bomb. The human heart creates enough pressure wh...
Management
It is very scientific. First we start with the premise that: 1 - Time = Money (or Time is Money) and 2 - Knowlege = Power (Knowlege is Power) Substituting the Newtonian value of Power = Work/Time we have: Knowlege = Work/Time (This is logically true. We call it experience.) Substituting the equi...
Simpsons Quotes
Cultist: Why don't you come chat with us about the Leader at the welcome center? Homer: Will there be beer? Cultist: Beer is not allowed. Homer: Homer no function beer well without. Moe, on the End of the Cult: "Damn it! It fell apart like everything else I've ever believed in. Oh, I guess...
"Dilbert quotes" contest
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.Here are the finalists: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next ...
Actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity" "I would not allow this employee to breed" "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be" "Works we...
BIBLE according to children
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., spelling errors have been left in). In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple...
Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn
1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 3. The most p...
Snowball in Hell
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e...
IS HELL EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHERMIC?
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls a...
Top 47 Oxymorons
47. Act naturally 46. Found missing 45. Resident alien 44. Advanced BASIC 43. Genuine imitation 42. Airline Food 41. Good grief 40. Same difference 39. Almost exactly 38. Government organization 37. Sanitary landfill 36. Alone together 35. Legally drunk 34. ...
Deep Thoughts
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Résumés and Cover Letters
These are taken from real Résumés and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine: 1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms." 2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 3. "Received a plague for Salesper...
Serious Research
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey...
Phoenix Dark Dirk
Monica: Okay, yeah. I got a question for you. Furious: Cool. Kick it. Monica: What's your name? Furious: Do--Do you mean my secret identity? 'Cause I-- I...couldn't. Monica: No, I just, you know, mean your name. Furious: My name. Um, wow. Okay, uh...It's--It's Phoenix. Phoenix Dark. Dirk. ...
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